Momentous Discoveries from the Month of July

This month has been a whirlwind of discovery. I have learnt a great many things, some of which have been very interesting, and some of which have been less so. Tl;dr: I learnt stuff.

1. Attics attract extreme temperatures of air

Basically, a loft bedroom is absolutely brilliant except for about one month of the year. Well, three, I guess. That time of year is summer. Because in the merry old time of year that is summer the temperature in your loft bedroom will reach just under boiling and then rest there, gently, like a leaf floating in the breeze. It will remain at that temperature until you realise that the glass of water you brought upstairs is simmering away. You will give up and go downstairs and it’ll be like walking into a fridge, only obviously you probably shouldn’t do that because fridges are really small. And of course the temperature in your room probably won’t change significantly as a result of you leaving it, but unless you’ve left a thermometer up there it’ll be impossible to say, really.

Heaven help you if there’s an ensuite bathroom and you have a shower. Just give up. Don’t bother. Steam is not your friend, friend. It’s not your friend at all.

2. You actually don’t really need shampoo. Basically.

The basically is there because if you don’t use shampoo you need to scrub your hair a lot because there’s always a really small patch of hair that just goes “but I like being unclean. Your hair will not feel squeaky clean, but it will feel soft and fluffy. If you dry it with a hair dryer (although if you’re going no ‘poo I wouldn’t be entirely surprised if you forwent the hair dryer) BRUSH YOUR HAIR. Seriously, it might get ideas and stick up like a porcupine. But if you brush it before you dry it it stays in the style you brushed it in when it was wet. If you see what I mean. Unless you’re hair wizard, that isn’t going to be what you wanted. I guess?

But, if that doesn’t appeal you can kind of wash it with conditioner and then it’s mostly clean and also conditioned. But you might not even need to?

Er, if you use hair gel I don’t think this will really work for you. Unless you use water-soluble hair gel, I suppose. Does that even exist? Find out for me, internet elves.

3. The same mostly goes for shower gel

I’ve never really liked shower gel, actually. It can never really be persuaded to lather and then you’re just kind of smearing gel onto yourself. It’s not really something that appeals to me, tbh. And of course then you end up smelling like a berry burst or whatever, and then you might as well just give up. Let’s face it, nobody wants to smell like a citrus burst. I would choose to smell of the perfume I spray on myself, not the shower gel that I accidentally got in my eye. God, that really hurts.

Fun fact: Water doesn’t hurt when it goes in your eye. Unless it’s secretly acid, and then you have another problem on your hands. Someone’s replaced your water pipe with an acid pipe. This is a problem.

4. Cooked noodles don’t really work in the fridge.

5. Cold rice and chicken are really really dry, and you’ll probably be more tempted by the barbecue than you were by the packed lunch you made.

Apparently though, there’s always the option of putting mayonnaise in it to make it less dry. I wonder what people do with bento boxes? The internet has been mysteriously silent on the subject, but then my laptop has been muted all day.

You’ll probably still want the burger though. Something about burgers just appeals more than rice.

6. The American medical system is really weird.

I don’t just mean the whole paying for your medical care thing. I mean the thing where they have tv programmes about weird post-mortems. What’s with THAT? It’s kind of like someone went “what’s dramatic? Murder mysteries! What’s more dramatic than tv? Real life! What do you get when you combine the two?” And then nobody stopped it. There is a real legit doctor who gets paid to do post mortems on tv and that’s apparently fine?

??????

7. Your MP3 player will always run out of charge approximately 4/5ths of the way through your journey

That isn’t affected by how long you charge it up for.

Well, that’s it for this month’s fun facts. I hope you learnt something, but if you didn’t that’s probably to be expected. Good luck with your lives.

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