Recipe: Cauliflower Pizza (…)

Memoirs of a Music Student | A bit of this, a dash of that

You know those days where you suddenly realise you’ve bought too much cauliflower? (yeah, I know this is a very unlikely situation. Just roll with it, people!) What could you possibly do with all that cauliflower? Assuming you don’t just want to burn the cauliflower, here’s a great recipe for using up excess evil vegetables:

You will need:

1 large head of cauliflower
1 egg
Loads and loads of grated cheese (mozzarella or cheddar are my usual suspects)
A small tin of tomato (or a large one if you plan to freeze half of it. you nerd)
Some other toppings to disguise the hateful taste of cauliflower


1. Remove all the weird bits from the cauliflower. You know, the leaves, the stalks etc. Or whatever.

2. Grate the cauliflower. This could take a while, so make sure you allow plenty of time for existential crises on where the hell your life is going

3. Boil the cauliflower until its tender. If you like the taste of cauliflower, this step will be easy because you can just eat a small amount to test it. If not, it’s probably done after 10 minutes.

4. Drain it. Seriously, use a sieve.

5. Pour the pulpy vegetable into a tea towel (or a cheesecloth, depending on your level of fanciness) and use that to squeeze out the rest of the water. Yeah, this is really hard. But you have to do it! The fate of the world rests upon your ability to squeeze the maximum liquid out of the damn sodding cauliflower.

6. Continue with step 5 until your hands are really really painful.

7. Whisk an egg in a bowl and mix the cauliflower into the egg really thoroughly. The egg helps it all to bind together, presumably.

8. Line a baking tray with parchment or greaseproof paper (hint: tin foil is a bugger to get off the underside of a pizza, but that could just add to the fun later on???), and smooth the ‘dough’ onto the tray. Make sure to press it down firmly to be all smooth and whatnot. Make it as thin as you like, or don’t. Do whatever, dude, I can’t tell you what to do.

9. Bake in the preheated oven (at 200 degrees, CELCIUS!!! can’t stress that enough) for about 25 minutes or until it’s golden and crunchy. The crunchiness of the base is pretty critical, otherwise it goes all limp and weird.

10. In the meantime, prepare your tomato. I like to blend mine with a bit of garlic, but whatever floats your boat dude.

11. When the base is done, put the tomato, general toppings (and pesto in dribs), and grated cheese on the pizza. Bake again for about 5-10 minutes, until the cheese is melty and hopefully golden-crispy

12. Enjoy, if you can.


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