Things I know about myself

I am vain. Ludicrously so, in fact. I can barely go past a mirror without examining my face in it to make sure I still look the same as I did half an hour ago when I went and got my last cup of tea. (generally speaking I do) I have to double-check my face in the morning just to make sure it hasn’t done anything weird while I was in the other room doing whatever I was doing. Breakfast, possibly. I often have breakfast in the morning, and I hear that’s actually quite common. I will spend quite a long time every day fluffing my hair up to the appropriate degree – the downside of having hair as soft as a baby duck is that it sometimes does weird things, like all gathering together in the way that baby ducks do – and if it isn’t right I have been known to wash it again just to make it do the thing. DO THE THING.

I am petty. Oh man am I petty. There are people I hate in my year for the reason that they did something very small at the beginning of the year and I never forgave them for it. But what was the thing? I have no idea, because I forgot. You can see the huge impact the thing had on me. And I’m not just petty, I’m vengefully petty. I will remember that you did a thing six months ago that I didn’t like – even if I don’t quite remember the details – and then when you need something I’ll be mysteriously unavailable. But I’ll make it seem like I really would have helped, if I hadn’t just suddenly organised a trip to London. Good god I am a terrible person. Oh well, I’m sure the orchestra rehearsal went on fine without me.

hmm, what else. I’m controlling. In a very empathetic sort of way, or a moral way. You know, for your own good. Oh, you haven’t eaten dinner? Let me make something for you. Oh, you have a lecture tomorrow morning that you often miss? Shall I wake you up? Like you’re a tiny child?

OK, so that’s basically just a list of not totally positive features, but you know it’s important to own things like that. So if someone accuses you of being petty in a fight you can say “yes, I am!” rather than “no! I am upset and angry”.

Anyway, that’s that. Basically, just an exercise in naval-gazing, don’t bother reading if you don’t want to. Wait, too late.


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